today was the quintessential mid-october day in new york....

the rain ended late last night, the sun burned brilliantly in a gorgeous cerulean blue sky only interrupted by the thick clouds that were blowing across the city and out to sea a hundred miles from here....

had a great visit with mom here for a few days....

and of course, as soon as i got her to port authority, it was time to quickly push her into the bus and toss up her luggage so she could get home earlier in this wet weather....then i went to mail her letters in the post office on the main level at port authority, only to find that not only had mom not handed off her postal needs to me, but i left my umbrella in her suitcase by accident....i had to then walk 19 blocks to the hospital for a scheduled doctor's visit, in the rain and mist....of course, about 10 blocks into it, the sun and heat came out to blast me with humidity...and me, dressed in heavy denim and long sleeves that wouldn't role up....i was really miserable....

so i got to the doctor's, the nurse did the vitals, told me i was a lard ass. the doctor saw me. gave me a tb (ppd) test since it's been a while and i always love to take a random test that i'm fairly sure i can pass....they took 9 vials of blood....it was very slimming....and then i got my flu shot and basically skipped all the way home from the hospital since i was in an excellent mood from mom's visit and seeing medical specialists who really treat me like a human being and listen to what i say and ask my thoughts on what they say....most excellent!

that changed in a little while though...shortly after i got home, i started having palpitations and got shaky and now i'm feverish....the flu shot....drat....the problem i have with eating eggs - i don't eat eggs...they asked if i was allergic to eggs and of course i said no, but oops, maybe i am after all....so much for not getting the flu...i think i'm having it now....which really stinks since they are fumigating my apartment this morning and i can't be here all day...where am i going to go and pass out until 5pm? the library or the museum? it's raining out, so i can't passout in the park like i would have....this isn't going to be a fun day. at all. atleast with any luck, the pest problem will be nipped and tucked away....better be after all the money it's been costing....and the medical issues....i had to get a note from my doctor so the landlord would pay the $900 fumigation fee....i am going to report them to the nyc department of health...they're instigating a very serious health risk to not only me, but anyone else in the building....like i said to the landlord after he pissed me off one time too many with his rhetoric and runaround: hey, i don't have a garden, so i don't need your load of crap today. when he questioned that, i responded with another classic, you know, my cow is dead, so i don't need your bull.

and that's my life today...in a nutshell (for bob) and a nuthouse (for reality).....more later, including mom's pics from the visit....maybe even some haircare chat about her new color and the double process and highlights we gave her....stay tuned.....

destination television....it's primetime and the destination is my couch.....

so many shows!!! thank the powers that be (read that time warner manhattan cable!) for the magic of tivo and my new dvr....yes, i had digital cable and dvr before, but the cable never worked because one of the neighbors managed to hijack my rooftop connection and disconnect me....i did prove it to the cable company when i climbed to the roof with them though....i didn't pay for the 6 months they'd billed me since i had cable for a sum total of maybe 9 days....

bygones! now that's in the past and my cable is perfect...and so is the new viewing season...finally reason to sit home and grow progressively larger in the butt area....tradeoffs....but that's another blog and not my own.

i am getting up to speed on old and new series alike....some i've never managed to see in the past and some are just too worthwhile not to remind you to catch them if you can....so, here's goes....

• Dancing with the Stars - granted it's been on for 4 prior seasons, but it's all new again....same professional dancers, but they're worth drooling over, male and female, regardless of the public inability to make an informed voting decision....hello? you got rid of the sports illustrated cover model (granted, she can't dance), and the hot young male model....sure, he danced like a stripper they said, but he gave everyone hope that maybe one day he would....or maybe at least suffer a wardrobe malfunction like the one that happened the first season to kelly monaco (the winner, a soap actress) - her dress exploded during the final routine and her top flew off....she managed to finsh the dance with one arm over the boobage and the other in proper latin finger formation (jazz hands, YEAH!) see, you can't not watch tv like this....it's a trainwreck waiting to happen... and everyone loves a good trainwreck....that said, wayne newton is still there....so there's bound to be a collision or a derailment in the near future...my vote goes to jenny garth from 90210....she's still beautiful, she's shy, approachable and oh so normal while having a bit of sizzle. of course there's some hot fast competition coming up fast behind in my book like the race car driver and the cheeto cheese puff girl.....watch it! monday at 8pm eastern on ABC - check your local listings or catch full episodes on ABC.com

• Ugly Betty -- easily the best show to hit television since the year 2000 when reality shows began dominating the airwaves. finally something witty, clever, tart, bitchy, sarcastic, dark, evil, fun and fashionable not to mention fashion challenged! living in nyc, i love the pure mock-umentary feel of it....it's the devil wears prada brought to the jcpenny crowd! i'm going to save up and buy season 1 on dvd when it's out...i only saw the last episode of the first season and it made me laugh so hard i cried, that was before gunshots rang out and i really bawled my eyes out...enough said. TUNE in! ABC Thursdays 8pm eastern

• Cane -- an epic of biblical proportions that both misses the mark and was slower than a plague of locusts. An all star cast from Rita Moreno and Jimmy Smits to some hot young soap folks and the only other hispanic actor ever to work Hector Elizondo....what a waste. Cane centers around the sugar cane farms of southern florida and a family with a rum based empire...i should have known by that alone....i hate rum....and rum and coke is a waste of coke...which i also dislike....overall, i feel the best way avoid this would be a quick slash and burn....either cut the show from the schedule or burn the fields and stop the family from having any more of their slow and unmoving traumas. No idea of the date or time or network - i deleted it from dvr after 1 episode.

• big bang theory -- funny, funny, funny....not sexy....per se....but smart....a level of smart that a lot of people won't stay tuned for....i don't know if they'll get an audience that they might if it were more low-brow....but if you watch more than an espisode, the characters of sheldon and leonard are well written, geniuses with petty quirks and primal urges....one of the funniest lines the first episode was one of the guys ruminating on the hot new female neighbor (penny,)..."our babies will be smart and beautiful". to which his counterpart responded "not to mention, imaginary". now come on....how can you not want to root for these poor clueless bastards?! they have a trio of uber-geek friends that will make you laugh just at the meet-cute of the episode....watch for doctor spock, the stereo-typical indian genius and another random geek....if you don't laugh out loud, i'll have to laugh even louder alone! Monday nights, check local listings.

• ghost whisperer -- great show, even though i can't stand j-love hewett. why do they allow her to keep dressing herself? sure, she's got major boobage, but come on, she dresses like she's always on her way to a luau or somewhere else you'd where a butt-ugly mumu to...and yes, she dresses like that when not on tv too. she has a hot hubby. she sees dead people. she freaks people out and often will leave you emotionally drained by the end of an episode if you're at all human....the foibles of the dead are as trying as those of the undead....and in some cases, they're far worse....Fridays 8pm CBS

• dog whisperer -- this guy's an idiot. he's named after a gourmet dog food (cesars) and not a dead dog or ghost to speak of. everything you can learn from this dud, not dude, dud, you can learn by putting your dog on a leash and taking it for a walk....now if your dog sees dead people, melinda, the ghost whisperer has previously dealt with that on her show, so watch her for a fix of someone whispering.....skip it.

• dirty sexy money -- subtle, smart, funny, didn't suck me right in, but it got me....not quite SOAP from the 70's, and not the Dynasty of the 80's but definitely heading towards the Melrose Place of the 90's kind of fun and debauchery...without all the hotties sleeping together since here, they're all siblings....this is the first time i've run into a real live tranny pretending to act....oh Candis Cayne...i knew you when....you know...before you're little snippety do-dah-day....heck, i think i helped pay for your female nose...wasn't that a party at the palladium in the early 90's before they tore down the discos? i'll ask fletcher, i'm sure i was there with him....but come on candy....when you were drag queen, you couldn't act, sing, or dance, but you were funny....now that you've become the bionic super bitch, you're not even funny....stop taking yourself so damn seriously, you've got more plastic parts than my ikea entertainment center and way less longevity....Wednesdays ABC 10PM

• the Bionic Woman -- not Candis, but still creepy and totally rebuilt....and actually, equally hard to know if it's live or mammarex....i expected this show to go in one of two directions, hoping it would go towards the original version, you know a camp classic with unbearable dialog and fun battles....nope....went creepy and sci-fi....with indiscernible dialog and violent fight scenes. i canceled this from my dvr immediately after 1 episode. i'm sure it will last though....sci-fi fans are a freaky bunch who are certain to embrace this next embodiment of non-entertainment just because they're hoping one day to find that bionics and such will allow for personality transplants, or atleast implants. Skip it on NBC.

• Private Practice -- enough with the freakin' medical bullshit....if i see one more suture, or another head wound or another naked doctor....have you been in a hospital anytime recently? well, i have, and believe you me, there is no doctor, steamy, dreamy, hottie, tottie, stuffy, muffy, buffy, or even cutie that i've encountered and nyc has the best of all possible residents...you know they picked the hottest ones available, since that's what HR folks do...off the record....the false representation of hot doctors is misleading and will only serve to increase waiting times in e.r. waiting rooms in the long run....besides, if it's private, keep it off the tv. and if you still need practice, stay home and call us when you've got it down to a science. by then, maybe you're going realize there's more on tv than reality programs and medical dramas....
  

by the way, did i mention i live in big sky city.....

when i was in wyoming, i was amazed by the constant exposure to sun, sky, and of course the dirt....turns out, when i got home, i started paying more attention (i can afford to pay that!) to my surroundings and turns out that not only do i have a lot of sky, and too much sun, but whoa baby! the dirt is unbelievable!

i had to post this for mona so she would know that i was getting my daily recommended allowance of big sky.

oh, and mom, just because i enjoy knowing there's a big sky here as well as there....i'm not moving out of nyc....atleast not for now....but i've learned, never say never....i think the devil must have invented the word never...it's deceptive, definitive and finite. it is known to cause untold trouble for those who unwittingly employ it and later have to find a way to back up their claims of "never".

the famous "il mercato" created by fiorello laguardia under the elevated train tracks along park avenue.....

the trains, amtrak and metro north, still run on this elevated train trestle....right near my house almost....you can hear their whistles in the dark and it is haunting....hell, the first time was like 3am and it was really scary...woke me up and i didn't know if i'd really heard it or not.....

underneath, an entire city block, salvaged 50 years ago by fiorello laguardia (then mayor of nyc, later the subject of the fabled musical, "fiorello") and made into a neighborhood green-market....now it's an indoor market with an entire city block of empty space outside that's fenced in and has great potential...i think it's the holiday market for christmas shopping, trees, etc....it's very close to the harlem terminal of this train at 125th....which is a very large terminal and ticket office...i guess a lot of folks come into the city by train and exit here so they can get to the airports more easily by bus....either way, it's a great place to shop (butcher, fish monger, flower market, veggies....plants....etc) and an even better place to walk by when you just want to peruse.....

bill clinton has cast a dark shadow over a lot of lives......

the federal office building on 125th street is directly in front of this entire row of gorgeous and nicely maintained brownstones...they run the entire city block on 126th street with the federal building taking up about 2/3 of the lot across from them....i had to take this photo, actually, i had to go home for my camera and come back another day to capture this because i found it so ironic.....bill clinton has his office on the top floor of the federal building and i think he's a jackass....a liar and an adulterer...not to mention the cause of the current cataclysmic events that decimate our lives and kill innocent children because they want to make more of themselves than their families (in this neighborhood esepecially!) have been able to provide....clinton being here is a "boon" to the 'hood....in reality, it's next to mcdonalds and kfc, so he's white trash, i mean right at home here....but his presence casts and appalling shadow over all the lives he comes in contact with....notice how the middle of the block suddenly is dark....that's all him....the building are all the same shade of brownstone....i hate war...and i hate politics....but i really hate that the blame for what happens today is placed squarely on the shoulders of those who inherited it from the ones who wreaked havoc under the surface and left a legacy of war and pain for the next generation. thanks bill....and that hillary.....what a politician. i'm glad they spent their leftover money to buy new york state residency so she can be president....at least i know i'll never run into them here....that's one name dropping run in i can live without.

the upper end of fifth avenue, looking from harlem to the empire state building....

yep, dead center, that short, squat spired building is actually the grand daddy of the world's tallest buildings!

see if you can count how many stories are visible...if i'm not mistaken, it's 110 stories to the top of the building when you are there....i know if you stand on the sidewalk under it and look straight up, a) you will fall down, dizzy, to the ground and b) you will see the building actually swaying in the breeze...yes, that is true.....and yes.... it will keep me from working in that building again if i could help it.

this is from the base of mount morris, the highest point on fifth avenue....there's a tree or is that building blocking half of the building i know, but still, you can only see 1/2 of the building at best....that's 70 blocks from where this was snapped....completely walkable....and a few blocks down from here (on the right), is the northern edge of my lawn (central park). thank goodness i don't have to mow it!

a rose by any other name smells just as sweet.....

but in this secret garden in harlem, the fence kept me from smelling just how sweet it was....this rose garden was wall to wall PERFECT buds. every bush a different color and impeccably maintained.

it is the rose garden that is owned by the parish of the oldest established church in harlem - the elmendorf (methodist or unitarian or lutherern?) church....the same building, with some alterations and additions (which obviously were done more recently when money and taste were hard to come by) has been open and fully functional since 1668. that's pretty amazing. that's 300 years older than me....i think i'll go stand next to that church more often....it makes me look young....and slim!

this is the view to the east from the top of mount morris - that's the tri-borough bridge....

i love this view...you can't see how pretty the bridge really is in this shot, but you can see how big it is and how close it it....

the base of this bridge is on 125th street, the dividing line on my side of harlem between america/nyc and the bronx.
as i found out last weekend, quite by accident, if you don't exit the m60 bus on 125th street at second avenue, then it immediately goes across this bridge....to wards island/randall's island/queens....you want to see someone cry on a public bus? you should have been there...i'd been having a bad couple of weeks and finally had a good day. dragged myself to the grocery store and couldn't drag myself home so decided to take the bus....it's only a few blocks from my place and thought i could get off on first avenue...i was distracted by a witty and highly entertaining text message from my friend tom, and voila! i was well on my way to laguardia airport....

on the plus side, i have to admit, i stayed on the bus for the entire ride (i was loathe to exit, cross the 8 or 10 lanes of crazy traffic in every direction to find a bus stop to get back)...i knew if i wen to the end of the line, it would repeat the loop or atleast leave me at a terminal with easy access to a ride back...turns out, from my apartment, i can walk the 6 blocks to 125th street and pay $2, hop on the m60 and get to the airport. what a deal. it's a $45 value or more, in rush hour....now if only i were flying somewhere and needed to go to the airport on purpose.

the surprise ampitheater at the top of mount morris....

the day i discovered this spot, they were having the annual Harlem competitive dance-off (ballet, jazz, flamenco, tap and hip-hop) up here....i have no idea how they had the stage brought up all those steps since there is no road...then again, how did they quarry all the stone up to here? this is probably about 4 acres in size to give you a proper perspective...it's a giant circle, all large bedrock stones, cut and laid in patters. off to one side - your left, is the top of the mountain, currently fenced off, and my photo was bad, sorry. this was (in the 1700's) used as a lookout and was a fortification since it looked down all the way to wall street (now there are a few trees that are too tall to see, but from the bell tower, you sure can see the world!) you can see the bronx and yankee stadium from up here too. granted, it's only about 100 blocks away, but still....the bronx is like a different country....and you thought i needed my passport when i moved to harlem! turns out i do, but they don't stamp it....they just want to make sure you've got your shots.....

the steps from the park to the top of the mount....

sorry, there is no way that i can figure out to capture this stroll and accurately give you a good depth perception...suffice to say, i made mom go back with me the last time she visited and we climbed it together, granted, i couldn't walk last time she was here, since i had been sick and constantly in the hospital for a few weeks prior, but my lame condition not withstanding (or standing sometimes!), even mom admitted it was a lot of work climbing it and we both felt we needed a nap by the time we reached the bottom again about an hour later....

the park closest to my apartment, bisecting fifth avenue, upper manhattan to lower manhattan.....

this is marcus garvey park. it's about 6 city blocks long and 3 LONG city blocks wide....that's pretty big. this park was set up in the 1700's. at the center of the park (in the background -- look for the rock formation) is the highest natural point on fifth avenue....perhaps in manhattan, but i've not been able to verify that yet. this is the famous mount morris. if you walk into the park there is a very wide (15 or 20 feet wide) circular staircase cut into the bedrock of the mount. it it winds in a very steady and very gentle slope of several hundred cut stone steps to the very top of mount morris. what a view!

close up of the gargoyle rainspouts protecting the halls of liberty and justice....

each pediment surrounding the tower is topped by a watchful gargoyle...notice how he is in the flash-joint area (the gully if you will) between the two adjoining tower peaks....very clever way of disguising an unsightly joining of stone masonry, while providing the essential need to have the water not sit and freeze in the joist....also notice, above the clock face, there is an inverted peace sign in the circle...is that ironic or decorative? the halls of justice probably offer no peace, i think it's really subtle but essentially symbolic (gosh, anyone else think i've got too much time on my hands?)

my favorite building in my neighborhood - the historic court house circa 1881.....

this is my favorite gothic building in harlem.... the cornerstone reads Harlem Court House Erected A.D. 1881. The garret is the clock tower with six vaulted "towers" surrounding the central tower. of the six, two are ornate victorian bronze clock faces, and they are accurate to the minute according to my mobile phone....the subsequent clock faces are iron lightening rods as the building was, and still is, one of the highest points in the historic neighborhood....

my favorite church in harlem....

it's huge and has tile mosaices instead of oil paintings inside.....the oldest that mom and i saw on her last visit while we explored together was from about 1250 a.d.....incredible! i love that kind of stuff.... this is the bell tower for the carillon....there are 30 bells that ring through harlem every sunday, at eventide and for funerals and marriages....while this church could possibly seat about 2000 people including the choir loft, their membership is fewer than 100 people now as the importance of organized religion escapes the grasp of todays youth...let's chalk that up to hip-hop culture (no, that's not an ethnic slur, i mean it to encompass the generation after mine...and i will include myself in generation x, or is that xxx, either way, i'm very much on the very fringe of that generation since i'm almost too old to be included....)

i know, i know...you're all waiting for my reviews on the new tv season....right....

not to worry, i've been mastering the art of tivo and dvr....and now....i'm almost caught up completely on every show worth watching (and wait until you get the dis-list!) thanks to the art of tivo, atleast the dis-list is not wasting a full 30 or 60 minutes of my life....oh greater power that controls all the meat puppets of the universe, please heap your blessings on the inventor of the dvr and the tivo! watch for the reviews....

mom is coming to visit tomorrow thru wednesday (yeah!!!!) and may even stay until thursday...we'll see....either way, i'm trying to follow her home for a few days out of the city, hopefully i'll get to visit with p.j. and clark while mom and jim continue on to charlottesville to visit aunt pat in the hospital. perhaps the tv reviews will need to wait until this week is over...then again, perhaps i'll just go ahead and whip off a much abbreviated version tonight....i'm feeling inspired...or is that insipid...either way, if you'll read it, i'll write it.

wadeo

ok, i'm really logging out...but here's some haiku to get you in the right frame of mind....

i'm sure everyone remembers creating haiku in about the 3rd grade....we wrote an entire poetry book that year...i still have mine....pathetic, i know, but still some of the most sincere and moving sentiments to come out of my pen in the last 39 years.....and so blatently honest....not to worry, these are not them....these are, um, how does one say....of a certain nature that is neither nurtured nor natural....these haiku....just....are.....how's that? very p.c.

remember. 5 syllables first row. 7 syllables second row. 5 syllables third row. that must convey the entire sentiment of your haiku, thematics if you will....please don't email me grief about how haiku needs to be a) in japanese or it's just words, or b) relevant to weather or a natural event, or c) flowing and emotional....if that's what you're looking for in your haikus (mind you for free....without any effort other than scrolling my page...), then please refrain from reading them and perhaps you might choose to go on to the next blog (top left corner of the blog header if i'm not mistaken....)

• Ab Fab preempted

By Queer Eye for the Straight Guy:

My life, on TV.

• Sitting at the bar.

My soul filled with deep longing

And deeper terror.

• No more empty sex:

It is interfering with

My TV schedule.

• "Hope springs eternal."

Don't people realize this is

A very bad thing?

• It's our second date,

And I'm not sure I love you.

It's time to break up.

• You were perfection.

Then you misspelled "embarrassed."

Don't call me again.

• "You understand, right?"

Yes, of course i understand.

(And I hope you die.)

• English has no words

For what we did together.

Oh, wait: "Tedious."

• Teens now: out, proud, and

Ignorant of Auntie Mame.

Pyrrhic victory?

• Your lips are so soft.

Your conversation graceful.

It's just -- you're not him.

• When he leaves the room,

If i don't burst into tears,

Then is it still love?

• I'm not judgmental.

It's just that I have standards

You will never meet.

• "The spark is just gone."

I can fix that easy, with

Some gas and a match.

• I'd say "I love you" --

But i'm worried that i won't

Mean it tomorrow.

wow....what a day....beautiful day for the beach in new york city....and what am i doing at noon....

hmmm, let's see, around 7 a.m. i still had not fallen asleep. damned insomnia, even with a freakin' pill, wide awake, skin crawling since i'm so tired....AGAIN.

got up and decided if the landlord couldn't honor his promise to send the exterminator last weekend (i waited since the prior monday when i called and explained my problem, which i won't bore you, or gore you with, but suffice to know it's one of those things that leaves me feeling like something is always trying to crawl on me....) now it's two weeks ago, he promised me a visit from the exterminator on saturday. i sat here patiently all weekend, i even got up and answered the buzzer from the street, which by the way, doesn't work in my apartment....sure i can hear it. it scares the life out of me and i never answer it since i'm never expecting anyone or anything to be delivered. this is nyc....harlem even, like i'm going to be the one who let's in a mass murderer....especially since i'm generally locked in here 24/7. anyway, i opened the door. it was someone with fliers. ass. exterminator didn't come. didn't call landlord. didn't pay rent. lawyers told me not to. i assumed they spoke with him, since he hasn't harrassed me this month beyond delivery of my rent notice...how many people honestly don't know they owe rent on the first of the month? i find it so much more than irritating just having that reminder, even if that's the law....i know when the rent's due....i just have issue with paying it....not that i can't. i just won't anymore. in fact, this morning i've decided i'm going to start looking for a new apartment. yeah, i know, i just moved....i love the apartment....except i hate the creature comforts it comes with...and i do mean creatures....

so it's noon. i've fumigated and left the place for a few hours while i went across to the laundry AGAIN and did 11 loads of laundry. what an ass-pain. and a sucky added expense. that's like $40 which i have been doing every week or two depending on how often and how effective "fumigation - the home game" has been. apparantly today was not a success. i came in and vaccuumed up two filters full of death and gore...but something is definitely hopping around. given the thorough mopping and vaccuuming i gave it in here, it can not be dust....is that even remotely possible? i just wet mopped the entire freakin' place....

lucky for me, i had just bought tall kitchen trash bags....so as each of the 11 loads of stuff was dry, i folded it oh so neatly....it's my hobby....that and washing dishes....yes, i make a very good house frau....except in order to keep my clothing from being reinfested before the fumigation happens for real...everything is sealed up in trash bags to suffocate any fuckers that find their way in....now even my housedress is unreachable....and of course the simple sequin number i wore to do the laundry, with the stylish aunt jemima babushka on my head, are both riddled with sweat and unsuitable to wear for after church...it was a little daring to go with sequins so early, but i thought maybe i could pull of the "walk of shame with laundry" look....you know, i must have carried it with me when i went out last night and was just dragging home....goodness knows, dragging is now an understatement.....

so, i debugged, or so i thought. then laundered and vacuum packed my belongings....so when i got done and needed to shower, i decided, all the towels are clean...and on the bottom...of course....FUCK IT.....i had a new role of bounty....they sure as shit are the quicker picker uppers....i only used 8 of them....and now, they're hanging over the towel bar, still a single row and i'm going to test them to see how many showers they will last thru....after all, it's only the clean water i'm using it for....right?

and how's your sunday? if you thought life was all glitz and glamour up here in spa-ha, well no.....HA-HA-HA-HARLEM is just not that happening today....oh, we did have a big bang earlier...i missed it somehow, but saw it on the news as i was folding each shirt, sock and piece of outerwear with love....seems there was an explosion in a brownstone right on 119th street....and that's the street that i live next too (i'm between 118 and 119 on first avenue)....an illegal restaurant that had a thriving clientel, atleast before the explosion blew the front of the building out around 7:30am....i think i'll set off more poison and go search out hte explosion instead of breathing it again....

later gators.....

here are a few helpful travel phrases for those of you not already fluent in french (finally, right?!)...

• je pense en francais; donc je suis

Shuh-ponce on fron-SAY; donk shuh swee

I think in French, therefore I am.

• je pense; donce je suis francais

Shuh ponce; donk shuh swee fron-SAY.

I think; therefore I am French.

• Ce vin a de la jambe, mais il a la fesse fripee.
  

Suh VAN ah duh lah shom-buh. may eel ah lah FESS free-pay.

This wine has great legs, but it's buttocks are wrinkled.

• Quel superbe bouquet de doisettes et de sardines!

Kell sy-PAIR-buh bouqet duh NWAN-zet ay duh sar-DEEN!

What a delightful aroma of hazelnuts and sardines!

• Le Vouvray a des asperites mais il est sincere (une favorite, moi-meme!)

Luh voo-VRAY ah day ZAH-spare--ee-tay may eel AY san-sair

The Vouvray is pimply but forthright.

• Le boudin noir est un peu trop lourd a mon gout (pour Loulou aupres de Carcassone.....)

Luh boo-dan NWAR ay tuhn pug troh LOOR ah mohn goo.

Pig's blood sausage is just too rich for me.

• Je ne pense pas que ce soit la saison pour du civet de tripes d'oie au sang.

Shuh ne ponce pah kuh suh swah lah SAY-zohn poor dy SEE-vay duh TREEP dwah oh sohn

I believe a stew of goose organs and goose blood is out of season.

it's 2:23am on sunday morning and i've just hung up the phone.....

it's been 20 years, (ok, really it's been 18 or maybe 19 years) since i have heard from, or spoken with, paula, via any manner of communication. a few days ago i was thrilled and surprised beyond words to find i'd had a few emails from her during my most recent 2 week stint of time "off air" with the email machine.

tonight, i had several more, in depth and very, very, very informative and personally provocative notes from her, including her wish to speak with me after 11pm my time, any night, since she has small children and a full time job in addition to the nesting duties. of course, knowing that she wanted to speak to me and realizing that it was only midnight'ish in nyc, and since i apparantly had no plans to leave the apartment (again!), i decided i'd try to ring her.

"hello?...."

"hello." i responded

"ummm....hello....?"

"yes, i said that, as did you....am i correct in assuming i have reached paula's number please?

"ummm....who is this....?"

"ummm.....who is this?" i asked back to the faltering voice on the quiet line....

"i asked you first...." (smart ass)

"i'm sorry, i must have dialed the wrong number. goodnight."

click

then i redialed.

"hello...?"

"hi, this is wade, is paula at home please?"

"did you just call and hang up on me?"

"i'm sorry, who is this? i did place a call to paula earlier, but, i must have had the wrong number, whoever answered seemed incapable of responding except with rhetorical questions...."

"ummm, wade, i'm sorry....paula's in bed already...."

"ummm, i'm sorry to call so late (when the heck did paula and her husband get so much damned older than me?) but she emailed and told me her timing....could you please let her know i called and i'll try her again another night. i'm so sorry to have disturbed you."

"no problem. i'll tell her."

"oh, and by the way, you might like to introduce yourself...i'm assuming you're her....husband? or maybe her....brother-in-law? but just so i don't think you're a burgulur or some sort of despot hiding out in her house and keeping her family hostage....that might make for a messy weekend...."

as he interrupts my train of thought, "i'm sorry, i'm her husband, my name is paul."

ummm, yeah, i knew that, check the blog...you also work at microsoft, which is why i've had so much fun yanking your chain.....then of course i replied "very nice to meet you paul, i've heard about you since high school, but never knew you were real until the other day....you've got a great catch and your kids are gorgeous....i'll let you go, but i'm sure we'll speak again sometime."

"ok, well, have a nice weekend. goodnight.....hey, wade, wait....paula's been on the phone the entire time with the mute button on...i'm sorry, i didn't know she'd answered it the second time...i just heard her cackling in the other room....hold on...she's right here....(muffled with his hand over the phone speaker i think - jeesh paula, do you know how embarrassing that was....i just made an ass out of myself and you were there, why didn't you say something....now your friend thinks i'm a total moron...click."

"HELLO!!!!!" and then the transcript stops because it's the transcribers night off and i simply hate to type, no matter how many words a minute i can crank out....i type fast as i talk, true dat...but i seldom speak and prefer the quiet and solitude of a non-typing reality for the moment.

wadeo