when a day goes from idyllic and beautiful to terrifying and nightmare-ish....

how the hell does life go from so amazing that i am feeling loved and can almost reach out and touch other people by their emotional outpourings, and then wam! my youngest cousin on my father's side, curt, 25, was killed this morning in a horrible and unnecessary snowmobile accident. not only was it 3:00am on a back country road, but he allowed a girl most of us hadn't met, instead of his regular gal, sarah, drive the mobile when it hit a bridge somehow and threw him from the mobile, and off the bridge, breaking his young and so timid but graceful neck, and in the process pinning his friend and tearing her kidney so that she was slowly bleeding to death alone in the dark and cold wet night....that is until robbie, curt's brother, 26, went out looking for them at 8am since curt wasn't home and asleep yet....robbie found that their bodies had already been found and reported but were not removed from the accident site until after noon today for the investigation by the police....

at 8pm, robbie the beautiful and closest friend of his now tragic brother, his personal hero, had not yet left the side or the site of his younger brother...he sat with him and held him and waited with his body until family was able to get to him and help him to go home alone....

my heart is broken. for aunt cindy who i know is probably ready to fall to a million pieces that no one will ever be able repair correctly or to anyone's complete satisfaction....for uncle jimmy who didn't know his son long enough for the 25 years they were close and insperable....for robbie since his closest friend, his most loyal confident and his fiercest rival on the field was no only his guardian angel and to curt...because i didn't get to know him and share parts of his life as i have been able to do with my other cousins....to have spoken to any of them today and have them tell me i needed to be there with them, it crushed the life out of my lungs....today it was one of us that staggered and fell to the ground....a hero who died too young and will also be remembered on a pedestal and who can never be out matched in any capacity....today we lost our family....we lost our friend....we lost our love....and we lost our ability to think that the bigger spirit of the universe always knows what it's doing in our lives....i now question my life.....

i love you curt. i pray you didn't suffer and that you are somewhere beautiful. i know you'll be watching over our lives...i hope you enjoy the show and drama...better get a large popcorn and some jujubees...i think you're not going to want to miss more than you have by walking out anytime before we're all done....we love you curtie.

to that special somebody who sent me the most wonderful valentine via USPS....and you know who you are.....

thank you, thank you, thank you....

i know, you're all saying "it's me, it's me...."

and that's fine, as long as you know just how much i appreciate the thought and the time that went into getting that adorable and oh so deceptive package together....and to actually have something that size really be in the mail and arrive, wowsers! i had an amazing valentine's day....and the week leading up to it was kind of stellar and this entire week and weekend to date are outliving and outpacing any expectations i may have previously had for a late february winter weekend home alone in east harlem.


let me just say when i dug into that box of treasure, saw what was actually nestled in that subtle and understated wrapping...you can only imagine my sheer and unadulterated pleasure, not only did i smile from ear to ear but i laughed right out loud (it was 4am and snowing when i walked outside to take pictures, grabbed the mail and opened it in the barrage of flakes...)

i couldn't smell it at first (as i was sure it was fancy hardmilled soaps)....then i almost broke a tooth on it, (because i decided it was some fancy handmade candy shipped all the way from you to me via that deceptively japanese inspired box the size of a jar of eye moisturizer)....you can't even know how loved and special i felt when i was finally safely on the subway, heading for the east village and a dog walking job that morning, as i opened the box and all it's pieces again to find it was the worlds classiest, most special (and smallest, if not, most tastefully appropriate), box of rocks!

every single one of those buggers has a really special heart embedded in it....i particulary loved the smooth river-rock like white quartz stone with the red heard so clearly embedded inside of it...what a miracle that stone is....

i'll have you know, aside from all the cards and flowers i got....ok, the chocolates and phone bills, and cable bill and rent bills i got, these special stones are also gracing my desk next to the computer and i am carrying the white quartz with red heart center stone in my coin pocket for extra love and sunshine.....

i loved the chococlates too mom....they're gone they were so good.....

mona, you sure do know how to pack a wallop in a care package of dynamic proportions and unretrained emotional contents! oops, for anyone who didn't guess or self-erradicate on this one, yes, it was miss mona from wheatland, wyoming who sent me a 2" x 2" box of sunshine and love ....a.k.a. a box of rocks....and for once, no one could dare say anything about the stupidity of this box of rocks...it's pure unfettered genius!

stay tuned...the pictures from the blizzard are coming with more tales of wo' and ho' possibly tomorrow.

xo xo
wadeo

we are having a beautiful spring day in new york today....it's 67 degrees and balmy....

i can feel the first flutterings of impending spring as a gentle breeze from the east river ripples across my bare arms, catching and sending my arm hairs to flutter, like so many silk sleeves....

it's an odd winter in nyc....everyone is unhappy, except maybe me....everyone seems so far away and hard to reach....except for me.....everyone seems so ready to be consumed with bitterness and blame for any little thing gone wrong....except for me...everyone is home facing life and love and longing and loss....except for me....i'm just loving life....living love....and longing for no more loss of time and living!

sometimes when the winter is so gentle that the snow drifts pile up against our minds, we can hardly speak for having our mouths so filled with the anticipated return of winter.......

have you ever noticed that people don't seem to have love that is requited?....

Love must be one of the funniest human emotions....

you can love a pair of shoes more than life itself (wasn't it cinderella that proved the right shoe can certainly change your life!)....

you can love a newborn baby unconditionally even though it resembles a small prune-like alien from another planet that neither speaks your language nor cares if you suffocate in his toxic diaper fumes...

you can love the music of life in the country or better yet, the symphony of life in a major city, yet you may never identify a single disharmonic note that touches you directly, and still, there are times it will bring you to tears.....

you can love eggs benedict for brunch when asked by a waitress, yet if you asked the waitress how she would love her eggs to be, the answer would likely be "unfertilized"....

you can love life without even really living, but at some point life is going to show you that love is what makes us live even if we never leave the couch....

you can love 'em and leave 'em but you should probably like 'em and take 'em with you.....

you might love to be blond for a week, but you'll love not being baldfor a lifetime....

you might only feel like you've been loved for a moment before someone leaves you speechless and removed from their life, but the love you have put out there will haunt them long after you've remembered that loving yourself is the only way to know a great love....