one last quote for 2007: "i love kids, but i can hardly ever finish one......"

fast away the old year passes....fa, la, la, la, la, tra, la, la, la, la.....

it's new year's eve morning and i've been up and unable to sleep since 4am already....day 5 in a row....

has given me plenty of time to think about all the things that this year has brought me and how grateful i am for the family, the friends and the passing fancies that have graced my days and nights over the last 12 months....

i've made friends with folks from europe to the americas, both north and south, but i'm particularly happy to know and love those of you in the wild, wild west that i was so blessed with meeting this summer....i think of each of you every day and even in the midst of struggle, it brings a smile to my face, my heart and my soul. those of you in the west village and the west of hells kitchen in my own little playground of nyc, i know it isn't always easy to love me, but the things you bring to my life are invaluable from the companionship to the conversation, to the simple homemade meals where finally none of us has to eat alone for a night. thank you for the many moments of meals and the millions of sparks of pure childlike joy that have been missing from my life for far too long.

now for the resolutions that i refuse to make each year since they're useless if you won't stick to them....this year, instead of my annual letter to myself, i thought i'd post a few self-improvement areas up here so you can all call me on them and perhaps help keep me in check...(i just read my letter to myself from last year and must admit, i did pretty well on the list - i moved, i started eating at home and cooking again, i started following up as required with regular health care with new doctors, i asked for help from the professionals who could help me and insisted on respect from those who have in the past treated me like i'm less than human because i've not always been able to do the best things for myself).....

1. cut back on the smoking....i was doing so well for so long....but like everything in my life that i find dangerous and /or bad for me, i simply will turn my back on it and walk away for my own self preservation (and financial windfall too boot)....i only smoked one or two the entire time in wyoming and only since late october, have i been puffing away on a daily basis...it's the stress, but i know i can stop and i know i can't stand the taste or my breath any more than you probably can.....
2. continue to push myself to rejoin the human race....granted, it's not a race and i can take my time, but i must increase my social standing and my oh-so-limited local circle of friends....every time i leave my apartment it's a struggle, but i will continue to triumph over the demons that have left me so awkward.....
3. continue the effort to be a more contiguous part of my genetic family....i love my brothers and sisters and my parents and as we're all getting older, i'm finding it more and more important to have any sort of interactions with them....they are who i truly have in this life even when i feel totally alone....
4. move again....as much as i love this huge apartment, i am too far removed from any of the "real world" in which i can try to function and being in east harlem seems to make me g.u. (geographically undesirable) for dating and friendship....i must sacrifice my personal space and perhaps suck up and join the legions of minions that have roommates in this world....
5. get my sorry and sad butt back to work...anything will really do....an income is necessary to suplement the lack of finances provided by my social security disability....
6. try to get back into school and finish the hair licensing if i don't need to re-work all 1200 hours of training...it's a cash business and i can be good....i just need to be able to stay healthy long enough to show up daily and stand for 8 hours of class....it's a social thing too....
7. get back to the beach....try to find my personal possessions and see if i can reclaim them from two summers ago....that said...work on letting go of the fact that i no longer own the possessions left at the beach after my big accident and subsequent return to the city and the hospital on doctor's orders....atleast my skin grew back where i was so badly burned and unless i'm naked and you're right near me, you'd not even know that i have discoloration and scarring from where that hideous mug of boiling chai tea latte melted away my tan and almost crippled me for life....
8. get back to the gym....i've put on weight since august, and i've lost weight since december...now it's time to re-proportion the weight and make my body back into the really nice one it used to be...i used to have shoulders and traps and delts and abs that you could wash laundry on....now i have a washboard stomache, but someone forgot to take their towels when they were done with them it would appear....
9. give something back...i had the chance to see my holiday card hanging at someone's home the other day and when i reread it, i was really happy with what i'd written and how much my sentiments really rang true to my personal spirit. my soul is only ever full when it is giving something to help someone else....
10. find love in a minute and treasure it for a lifetime even when the moments are passed, they are what keep us warm and allow us to believe that good will conquer evil....i have forgotten that in the past and today i'm putting it in writing so i can look back and search for the truth in myself and accept nothing less in others....i'm worth it and any relationship based on lies is only hurting the person or persons who stand to lose me in their lives.....
11. sleep in heavenly peace on a nightly basis and enjoy the days while the sun shines.....
12. be less sappy....
13. no number thirteen....unless you want to be less superstitious.....
14. end on fourteen and let you all go about your way....happy new year.....
    

it's hardly a charlie brown christmas, but here's my version of the holiday tree for 2007......

this is an attempt at the choreographed snowflake/music show at saks fifth avenue tonight.....

i'm not sure what this video clip is at rockefeller center tonight....

it's definitely an experiment, and according to the upload thingy, it's 2M of 5M....whatever that means....far as i can tell you it's 24 seconds of un-edited excitement and pure un-adulterated joyousness....yeah, right....you've met me, haven't you?....

over the river and through the woods to tavern on the green we go.....

you'll kindly notice the piles of snow (albeit, diminishing even as i type) and the cheerful demeanor of the hack....the photo was going to be my holiday card shot until i tried to print it and it kept coming up too dark....live and learn...it's still quintissential new york city for the holidays if you ask me....and if you have $40 to ride through the park....personally, i choose my battles and my rides more carefully....i'd prefer to take a $7 cab ride that leaves me right at my door than enjoying the hind quarters of of a steed way past his prime!

and of course i took this super blurry one...which i totally intended to have be this blurry....in my world, i consider this to be an artful shot....

i do believe this is what we in the photo-snapping circles might call "diffused lighting"....or "confused fighting" is more like it - an elbow in my groin, a knee in my backside, a swift kick in my shins all while trying to gracefully avoid getting any of the unattractive holiday guests of the city in my potential christmas card shot....you'll be happy to know i gave up on that whim last night and used a clean, clear, crisp and non-color-re-touched snap from wyoming this summer as the card shot....that's what i call cowboying up the city slicker way....

so i looked at that damned tree again....talk about bored....

when i was unable to find nourishment for my body, i thought, so, ok, i'll take nourishment for my soul.....

and thus i trudged my way along fifth avenue to saint patrick's cathedral where i knew they were having midnight mass and communion (hey, a little body bread and jesus juice goes a long way if you're truly starved!)....that said, the line for the mass was around the block and down madison avenue behind the cathedral....this was at 9:45pm....i thought of sneaking in with the choir boys through the rectory entry on the north side of the church but then i figured i'd be spiritually and physically hungry and i'd probably need to go to confession to boot....so i settled for staring at the line up that had wisely requested tickets for mass a year ago....suckers!!!!

with over 3/4 of a million pick pockets and rugrats in the general area i was loathe to get a non-blurred photo.....

but this one came kind of close....closer than many i've taken recently....it must be my camera dying because every photo i've taken for months has come out with an extra special hazy quality about it....but this was pretty good in terms of managing to avoid all the heads, arms, bags, thiefs, and general crap vendors surrounding all the harolds....you know, harold's the angel...they ignored my request, in triplicate, to just call them bob....they'll learn....

saks fifth avenue....hate the store, love the snowflakes....

yes, i'm bitter, ever since i worked in the visual merchandising (i.e. window display) department of saks fifth avenue about a million years ago, i won't set foot back in the store to save my life or anyone else's....that said, i love the snow flakes they've got illuminating the facade which is directly in front of the tree at rockefeller center....the flakes are illuminated to a random syncopation of music (carol of the bells maybe?) and it's really fun to watch...i took a video of it and will try to post some of it on here for you to enjoy or be annoyed by...you decide....

bloomingdale's - like no other store in the world.....

their holiday windows are sure as shit ugly, but the cascading waterfall of lights that surround the building for 9 stories top to bottom make it worth overlooking the nasty use of gaudy and glitter...i think the theme of their windows must have been jihad.....better luck wasting your cash on window display next year bloomies!

the last minute christmas tree

when you buy your tree at the last minute, it helps to bring the tree lights with you...you can cut the tree, wrap the lights and then plug them into the cigarette lighter for the trip home....the packer i barely caught in the throngs at saint patrick's cathedral was a beautiful throwback to a simpler time....circa the mid 1970's - you know when the waltons had all those cheesey christmas specials.

all creatures, great and small.....

this creature was super great! in fact, if it was easier to read and i could have made the colors print more clearly, he would have been the front runner for the holiday card that i made and sent out (yes folks, there is a wadey-klaus, and indeedy, i managed to get my handcrafted photo cards printed, signed and mailed at 5am on the 24th of december...if you get one, please let me know what the postmark reads....if you don't get one....well, just blame that on the post office....so undependable....)

if you can't read it, the thing i love in this photo is that his hat reads "i've been naughty".....me too....no, not really, mine would have read "i've been miserable...."

Christmas Eve at Rockefeller Center....

i waited in line to circle the ice rink....this after seeking nourishment and sustenance for my body....can you believe every foreigner in the country was in times square and rock center tonight for christmas eve....not a single restaurant or grocery store was open....after nearly 3 weeks without a real meal, you know i was jonesing for a sit down and atleast the brief conversation with another human being provided by the waitron....damn the bad luck....that said, i finally got to the front of the rink under the tree to find the line wasn't circling tonight so i had to turn around and force my way back thru the masses and the asses...good grief, it's christmas people, how about leaving those little urchins and their strollers home with the nanny, the granny or better yet, you and your fat fanny? i'll tell you, after 20 minutes of kicking and screaming and scratching and clawing, i'll bet those foreigners don't get in my way again anytime soon!

here is the card that i wrote and had intended to send out, but in case it doesn't happen, happy holidays from me to you!

• Let us break down boundaries,tear down

walls, and continue to build on the foundation of goodness inside each of us • Let us look past our differences, gain understanding, and embrace acceptance• Let us reach out to one another, rather than resist • Let us better the world in which we live, by nurturing, and replenishing the beauty of nature • Let us express gratitude for that which we have, rather than dwelling on our needs • Let us seek cures for the sick, help for the hungry, and love for the lonely• Let us hold hope for a better future very tenderly in our hearts• Let us love with our whole hearts – for that is the only way to love•

bah....hum bug....or whatever the hell the bug is that's keeping me sick.....

here's the view from the tree back towards fifth avenue....notice the herald angels of the finest white wire....that's saks fifth avenue directly in the background....i do really like the snowflakes they've got illuminating the facade of their building - gorgeous at night, but alas, i took this when the ugly lights were still on....i'll try to get another pic of it when it's dark and i'm feeling better....for those of you who have been pining for my holiday card, this was going to be the shot but my printer doesn't want to cooperate and frankly, right about now, i'm done trying...

tis the season....fa...la...la...la...la.....ok, as you were....

this is what the rockefeller center tree looks like when you're forced to be outside in full daylight....it's un-natural i tell you! that said, if you're going to hack down a 100+ year old tree of a certain size and such, wouldn't you personally try to aim for one that has a more pleasing shape? i know i'm aghast at the lack of symmetry on this beast! much like beer and dark lighting in a bar, darkness, blinking and flashing strobes on the tree and an over zealous group of foreigners who drink wine with dinner before visiting really do help to make this tree look spectacular....thank goodness for the beer goggles!

i have been under the weather lately.....

in fact, that's such an understatement that i'd be remiss if i didn't say i was snow-plowed under for the last three weeks....what started off innocently enough as a funk which always grows into a depression and worsens from there mentally was made all the more jolly by what could only have been considered the mother of all crohn's disease attacks....oddly enough, i have in recent weeks (now months) been scheduled for 2 full g.i. series, an m.r.i. of my brain, a ct scan of my abdominal cavity, an mri of my abdominal cavity, a pet scan of my full body and extensive bloodwork.....one test i missed, another i skipped, the third (and of course the most ghastly and invasive of them all,) scheduled for 8am the day immediately after my birthday (way to make any birthday a night to celebrate - besides organized events, disorganized chaos, and the full-on attack of the go-lightly --who the hell had the nerve to name that shit "go-lightly"....ironic? i think not....more like unfortunate!) so i show up for the full on g.i. series after doing my duty as much as a man can do with as little of the go lightly as one can ingest....only to be delayed....and delayed....and delayed and then finally cancelled....my blood pressure skyrocketed and they weren't able to put me under for the tests....good gosh damn, man! demerol was the only reason i signed up for the go-lightly experience in the first place....not only did i have to drink a vile gallon of that toxic goo, but i had to spend a solid 15 hours expelling toxic poo....only to find out that all the inuendo (or my endo as the case was scheduled to be....) was merely voodoo that you do, but that i don't do so well....thus, one was accomplished back in october, inconclusively....now the late november one didn't happen and despite my bitching and moaning and farting and passing all things animal, vegetable, mineral and other, i am now required to sign up for the voodoo you do and the i do poodoo testing all over again....riddle me this....am i amused?

not a single iota.....

thank you ken for making my birthday into a night i'll remember....

i asked ken if he would do something with me for my birthday last sunday night after he got back from his family trip to florida for thanksgiving. he was gracious enough to say yes and true to his word, he did indeed help me to celebrate it.

with a really nice red-velvet cake from the amish market across from his apartment and a bunch of candles, the night was close to ideal. if nothing else, it touched me and made me thankful once again for the things in my life over which i am in control and the people with whom i am blessed to associated with. over all, i'd say i didn't want that night to end but it left me looking forward to many wonderful things to come in this, my 40th year.

they were the best of times, they were the worst of times....or so said charles dickens, long, long ago....the fact of the matter is, they are the times we are given and what we make of them and what we take from them all hinge on what we bring to them - whether it is emotionally raw, physically challenging or mentally challenging to embrace, the times are ours alone and no one can take away the memories created in these times.

i have memories that i wouldn't give away, sell, trade or try to change for all the tea in china!

thanks for the memories!