today is day 23 without a cigarette...2 weeks without a phone call....

some things in life will never be able to be understood...atleast by me....

if you meet someone, love them, like them or loathe them, why would you ever waste your time in misleading them? if you love them, tell them and let it be, or try to be, whatever it may be or may become....if you like them, talk to them and support them in whatever way they may need or however you are able without short changing yourself or deluding yourself into thinking that you will be getting something greater in return by giving so much of yourself away - you are selfish and cheating yourself if that is how you "like" someone else....if you loathe them, don't bait them or give them any false sense of hope for a love or a friendship that you neither want nor will put out for them....that is downright hurtful and wrong on so many levels that no one will ever even understand how much damage it can do to the other party...that is until that other party is yourself.....

i am saddened for having liked many people and found out that friends are not the same as acquaintances....i have thousands of acquaintances but not a single one of them will ever be there when i need a friend, i know because i've got almost no friends to speak or, yet alone write of, anymore and i've needed a friend for a long time now....

there have been a few people that i have loved in the last few years....it has only been selfish in the way that i would hope by loving and giving of myself without asking or expecting anything in return, i may have been given respect and perhaps even real love....what i have been given is a handful of empty words, a string of broken promises and a welcome mat covered in bullshit from people that have walked right over me on their way to who or what they truly wanted....it has not been me, i have merely been convenient and perhaps a beacon in a dark night for a few lonely souls that wanted to keep on sailing past....most recently, that has happened and love turned to loss and loss turned to longing and longing turned to lipservice and lipservice is going to turn to loathing....and loathing almost always turns in on itself and brings me down to fear....i am afraid that i will not love again....