when a day goes from idyllic and beautiful to terrifying and nightmare-ish....

how the hell does life go from so amazing that i am feeling loved and can almost reach out and touch other people by their emotional outpourings, and then wam! my youngest cousin on my father's side, curt, 25, was killed this morning in a horrible and unnecessary snowmobile accident. not only was it 3:00am on a back country road, but he allowed a girl most of us hadn't met, instead of his regular gal, sarah, drive the mobile when it hit a bridge somehow and threw him from the mobile, and off the bridge, breaking his young and so timid but graceful neck, and in the process pinning his friend and tearing her kidney so that she was slowly bleeding to death alone in the dark and cold wet night....that is until robbie, curt's brother, 26, went out looking for them at 8am since curt wasn't home and asleep yet....robbie found that their bodies had already been found and reported but were not removed from the accident site until after noon today for the investigation by the police....

at 8pm, robbie the beautiful and closest friend of his now tragic brother, his personal hero, had not yet left the side or the site of his younger brother...he sat with him and held him and waited with his body until family was able to get to him and help him to go home alone....

my heart is broken. for aunt cindy who i know is probably ready to fall to a million pieces that no one will ever be able repair correctly or to anyone's complete satisfaction....for uncle jimmy who didn't know his son long enough for the 25 years they were close and insperable....for robbie since his closest friend, his most loyal confident and his fiercest rival on the field was no only his guardian angel and to curt...because i didn't get to know him and share parts of his life as i have been able to do with my other cousins....to have spoken to any of them today and have them tell me i needed to be there with them, it crushed the life out of my lungs....today it was one of us that staggered and fell to the ground....a hero who died too young and will also be remembered on a pedestal and who can never be out matched in any capacity....today we lost our family....we lost our friend....we lost our love....and we lost our ability to think that the bigger spirit of the universe always knows what it's doing in our lives....i now question my life.....

i love you curt. i pray you didn't suffer and that you are somewhere beautiful. i know you'll be watching over our lives...i hope you enjoy the show and drama...better get a large popcorn and some jujubees...i think you're not going to want to miss more than you have by walking out anytime before we're all done....we love you curtie.