the heart is a lonely hunter....

is that the title of a book from oprah's book club?

if so, sue me....it sure as heck is way i've been feeling oh so often as of late....

have you ever noticed that your heart can hold so much love, and because of all the love it knows itself to hold, it never worries one single iota about having the love it gives returned in kind?

the head on the other hand, much less forgiving and far more demanding....the heart may be a lonely hunter, but the head is meant to hunt solo, with a quiver full of poison darts and words that it can sling like arrows to any unsuspecting target....the head will stealthily turn inward and hide any brain that might have been visible, cloaking the soul with reason, and coating the outside edge of reality with expectecations....

my head knows not to follow my heart, and my heart seldom follows my head...as if the intelligence one has gathered could foil the the fool-hearty encounters anticipated by the other.....

it leaves me confused....my own confusion....and it leaves me pondering why, what, when and wherefore all things in my life are from yet alone their final trajectory....i have not had need of love, nor have i had want to expect anything from a single soul, for as far back as i'm able to recall...and suddenly, i'm finding myself right there in the thick of wishing, always hoping and subtly wanting what i know i shouldn't, nay, what i mustn't wait for....what animal ever trapped by another laying in wait has grown to love it's captor? but then, what animal, forever unloved and never without hope of said affection would ever show mercy upon it's captive if it were not for the unfettered and undeclared need for love in return?...

i have been shown love lately. i am sure i've put out some love myself...heck, i've been putting love out there for years, as weak and as mired as that love has always been in my own self-effacing need for approval....now it is different to me, for me, with me....i need love, yes, i do....and i deserve love as well, every human being, good, bad or indifferent does, but lately, i'm feeling the kind of love that puts my world at great peace and allows for wonderful things to root and begin to flourish....i am never certain when i love something or someone, that the love will ever be noticed, yet alone acknowledged or returned....it happened once, so long ago, that i have always felt that perhaps it's a one time event in any person's life (or atleast in this person's life...)but with that said, my expectations continue to remain low, perhaps in self preservation, but my emotion continues to grow unabated...and somehow, for me, this is a wonderful and necessary thing to know....

having known great love, and having lived through great loss, i live daily with great pain and often with great disappointment, yet now, i'm living....i don't care to measure the loss, i am not dwelling on the disappointment, the pain is part of the process and i can say with steadfast resolve that love, the age old folly of mankind, the thing that brings us to tears, both of joy and of sorrow....oh love, love which costs not a cent, but can cost a body it's heart and soul, love has not changed....i am no more, nor any less of the man i was when i thought love was something that everything could have...and here i am, thankful to the core that i am the lucky man with another chance to feel my soul open like a flower, showered with kind words and fond deeds, affection, for all the world to see so easily....my soul, my heart, my head....all going in different directions....all seeking something so vastly and eternally different, yet all bringing me to the same place deep within myself...a place few have seen, or been invited to witness, yet, a place that must be evident in my speech, in my step, in my laugh and more than anywhere, in my self....

my heart continues to pound relentlessly within my chest for each passing touch of a hand, hoping it is one of many the future will provide....and my head keeps telling me to let it go and enjoy the moment, for, you truly never know if or when love may pass your way again....the moment is there to cherish....the future is only there to instill worry...so i live in my moment....and my future...my future does not need a plan....